TAKING A STAND FOR MYSELF

I believe it’s the challenge of a lifetime to transform our childhood conditioning into healthy adult behavior. None of us had a perfect childhood and even though I’m convinced that my parents loved me and wanted only the best for me they still expected me to be the perfect little fundamentalist Christian girl who believed just like they did. Unfortunately they got a Scorpio who tended to go her own way….or at least attempted to do so.

My very first, “taking a stand for myself” came when the Senior Prom came up. I was determined to go and my father was determined to talk me into abiding by the edict I had grown up with: “dancing is against our religion.” For all the relevant details you can check out the first chapter in my book, My Gentle Musings. (www.theoneheart.org) But the long and short of it was that I went and had a great time. It strengthened my resolve to try to be my own person. Years later I heard a joke that made me belly laugh. “Why do fundamentalist not believe in sex? Because they are afraid it will lead to dancing.”

My ex and I moved to California a few years after we graduated from college. When we got married it was with the understanding that there would be no alcohol in our house. No drinking was another edict and I actually thought that was a good rule to go by and had made myself clear as soon as we started dating. However, California changed me, and I was ready to be changed.  I began questioning my fundamentalist upbringing and started to forge my own belief system. So, the rule about no alcohol soon bit the dust. For several years we would hide the booze when my parents visited, not wanting to upset them or make a scene. But one year I decided that I wanted my parents to know this new “me”, regardless of how it might affect them. I was different and I wanted them to see that. So, we left the beer in the refrigerator, and I told them that I was questioning whether I even believed in God. It was such a painful confrontation, but I didn’t back down. They reassured me of their love and tried to explain their perspective. They truly believed that I would go to hell and they would be separated from me for eternity. Later, when I had my own children, I could have compassion for their stance. If I believed like they did, I too, would be bereft to hear my child dismiss everything I believed in. And facing the possibility of being in hell and separated forever would be unbearable. With all this on my mind I took a long walk up into the hills behind our house. Sitting there in the silence I had a life changing thought. “No matter how they see me, or what they believe about me, it doesn’t change who I am.”

A few years later, after an argument with my ex. I had another realization. In that argument I understood that he saw me as, selfish, impulsive, a poor money manager, and too emotional. I was stunned, to see clearly how he viewed me…..at least in the heat of an argument. I did a quick check list on myself. I was ok in the self-esteem area, and I had a pretty clear idea of my needs and wants even though I had trouble sometimes stating them, but I was never selfishly ignorant of other people. And being impulsive? I have Capricorn rising. No one who knows anything about astrology will accuse a Capricorn of being impulsive. If anything, we are way too cautious. I liked that I was thoughtful and considered things carefully before acting. That’s exactly what made me an excellent money manager. And my emotional nature? I was proud of my big heart and my compassion and sensitivity to others. The point here is that once again I was challenged to stand firm in who I was and not let his opinion of me change my behavior or shake my belief in myself.

Third and last scenario. I had just been hired to be a third-grade teacher in a brand-new school in San Jose, California. The idea of open space buildings had taken root in California. That meant no walls between classrooms. Whoever thought of that idea must never have taught school, but I guess the idea was that the teachers would team teach and that would be great. Well, I was the last one hired, because we had been traveling and didn’t apply for a job until late August. Normally the teachers would be in on the hiring but because it was so last minute, and they were desperate the principal hired me without consulting the other 3^rd grade teachers. Strike one, against me. Also, because I was the last one hired, I ended up with all the difficult kids. For many, English was their second language so reading was difficult. Several were what we would categorize now as ADD. Those days we just said they were hyperactive. Nevertheless, it became very clear to me, very soon that I was not going to be successful with these kids in the traditional way. I determined to do what I could to bolster their self-esteem a bit before I tried to teach them how to read. Many of them were excellent athletes, but they also came to school, hungry, I discovered. So, my plan was to take them out on the playground during the reading hour, give them peanut butter sandwiches that I brought, and let them play kick ball, which they excelled at. Well, you can imagine the flack and horrified stares I got from the other three teachers as I marched my kids out the door to eat and play. With the open spaces there was no hiding what I was doing, and they hated me for it.

In my whole life I had never experienced and environment where I was so blatantly disliked. As the months went by, I tried harder and harder to make friends with them, to no avail. I felt shattered and seriously considered quitting. When one day, walking along the beach by our rented house, another epiphany. “What if I just stop trying and accept that they are never going to like me. Give up the effort to change their minds about me and just continue on being who you are.” Well, the relief was immediate. I just let it all go, once again resting in who I knew myself to be and not letting other people’s opinions define me.

As I’ve aged my perspective on who I am has expanded. Of course, I am still Karen, the Scorpio warrior, fighting to stay true to my authentic personality. But I now realize I am so much more than just my personality. I have come to accept that I am a divine being, a spark of my Creator, a cell in the body of the One Life. I am a Soul, or as one teacher put it, “the personality is the glove, the Soul, the hand.” So I try to express myself through this sacred personality and the more connected I become to the divinity within, the more my personality expression reflects my deeper self, my Soul.

If you’ve read my last three blogs you will appreciate what a struggle it has been for me to embody this truth.

Love after Love

The time will come

when, with elation,

you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror,

and each will smile at the other’s welcome, and say, sit here.  Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was yourself.

Give wine. Give bread.  Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes.

Peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life.

-Derek Walcott