ACCEPTANCE, LOVING ATTENTION AND CLARITY

I’ve written before about my Scorpio nature, digging deep, courageously seeking, questioning endlessly. An interesting pattern has emerged these last several years. As my birthday month approaches I am almost always hit with a powerful emotional experience. I’ve come to look upon these moments as indicators that something within me needs further examination….more digging, more questioning, more seeking.
One year, several people close to me died, rather suddenly and unexpectedly. I was rather swept away by the emotions that arose within me. Then I realized my birthday was coming up and I remembered the pattern that I had identified earlier of being confronted with some form of unfinished business around the month of November. So, I mused, “Guess I have some work to do around how I handle grief and the fear that arises when I face my own mortality.”
This past year, I was sort of waiting for what would emerge, but it occurred in such an odd way that it still took me by surprise. I was sitting at my computer reading an article from the New York Times about the likelihood of a major earthquake hitting the West coast. I had heard of this before, of course, but for some reason I was compelled to read the entire article, very carefully. I finished in a terrifying state of panic. This was not some “fake news” report. This was authored by an expert in Seismology. When he stated that everything west of I-5, (our major freeway) would be toast I nearly lost it. I live west of I-5 and so do both of my children and grandchildren. Yikes!! I went to bed and dreamt of earthquakes.
I awoke in the same state of fear. It literally took over my mind for the entire day. The worst case scenarios playing themselves out in my imagination in vivid detail. Would I be swept out to sea in a giant tsunami? Would the houses behind me come sliding down the hill and demolish my home? Should I move to the east side of I-5? But then, I reasoned, my children and grandchildren would be gone and why would I want to be around then? On and on it went. My body was now in a state of painful constriction.
Finally, I paused. I noticed. I stopped and sat. I breathed deeply and became quiet. I acknowledged the fear, opened my heart to it, tried to welcome it, tried to remember that fear is a human emotion and I was not alone in it. My heart went out to all beings living in a state of fear. I sat for several minutes just allowing whatever was there to be there. Slowly the intensity lessened and finally dissipated.
Here’s what emerged for me, after I reached this place of acceptance and calm………clarity. I realized that I have no control over whether an earthquake hits my home, so fretting and stewing about it was pointless and now that the feeling of fear was minimized I could really accept what I couldn’t control. I also noticed that it wasn’t dying that scared me, it was how I would die that made me fearful. Knowing that I will probably not have any control over that either, made it easier to let go.
“So what could I control?” I asked myself? Well I could finally make the decision to have my home retrofitted, which would minimize the damage of any normal earthquake. If the big one really did hit and the epicenter was right where my house sits, well, then, I’m toast, but I can’t control where it hits or the magnitude, so just get on with it.
I discussed with my tenant downstairs the possibility of taking an emergency preparation class together, so we would both know what to do. We talked about creating two emergency boxes of supplies, one downstairs and one in the garage. It felt good to take some action that would prepare me as much as possible.
Even though I have no control over how I might die I have had the conversations with my children about my wishes. I’ve even created, at my daughter’s suggestion, a “death file”, which I continually make additions to as I think of other ideas about how I hope the end of my life will unfold. I’ve written my obituary, created my own memorial service, picked out the music, and poetry that I love.

 
Now, I let all the rest go.

 

“The quieter you become, the more you are able to hear.” Rumi