I am a Scorpio, with a birthday in November. I also study esoteric astrology which assigns mantrams to each astrological sign. One of the mantrams for Scorpio is, “Warrior am I, and from the battle I emerge triumphant.” I have always resonated with those words, but the embodiment of them has been a lifelong challenge. Flash back to 1964 or thereabouts. My ex and I were involved in the Human Potential Movement back then and one of the vehicles for this movement were what was called, “Encounter Groups.” We would come together and do a lot of role playing, acting out different parts of ourselves in an attempt to raise our consciousness. This evening, we were divided into two groups. One group held power and control over the other group. I was assigned to the power group. I don’t remember the exact scenario we were asked to play but I do remember the rush that came over me as I felt my power. I got totally into it, so much so that I lost my feeling of connection to the people we were controlling. One of them was even my very best friend, but after some time, I didn’t even see her. She was just an object to subdue and control. Later as we processed the “game” it struck me with such force that I was speechless. I had completely lost touch with my own humanity and the humanity of the people in this group. I no longer saw them as a part of the human family, I saw them as objects only to be controlled and manipulated. It literally scared the Sh..&%#& out of me. From that moment on I became afraid of my power and vowed to keep it under wraps. Fast forward to the mid 1980’s. Studying for my Master’s Degree in Psychology I had taken a class in Psychosynthesis. We practiced a lot of guided imagery in this class and one time we were asked to imagine our “ideal image.” Could we see a picture of how we would most like to be in the world? I immediately saw a fierce Native American warrior standing tall and powerful with a long spear in his right hand. Then I noticed his left hand in which there was a soft, furry baby kitten. What I took from this image is that somehow, I needed to join my warrior masculine energy, with the softness and receptivity of the feminine. I understood this mentally, but it didn’t translate into a trust in that power. Fast forward again to 2016. In November of 2016 I took a weekend workshop with the renowned sound healer, Tom Kenyon. We participated in several meditations involving sound and healing. Sometimes, for me, when I’m in a meditation where the energy is very powerful I reach a point where I choose to shut down. I say to myself, I can’t take in anymore.” I think it’s that old fear of too much and not trusting it. This time, as I felt the energy reach a very high point I just said to myself, “Welcome, please come into my body. You are welcome here.” I experienced such gratitude and appreciation as I said these words to myself. Then something really big opened up within me and I felt a surge of strength, power and will energy. I fully opened to it and felt it become a part of me.
Another insight I got during this meditation was that it was fear that stops me and that the antidote to that fear, for me, was a belief in my own resilience. When I truly believe I can handle whatever comes my way I am propelled out of the inertia that fear creates.
Tom works with a group of beings called the Hathors. They live in a high dimension of consciousness and work through Tom and his voice as he sings. It’s a very powerful experience. So, we did a meditation in which they were to gift us with energy from Sirius and Venus. I have long resonated with Sirius as it is the energy that pours through Scorpio. So, in this meditation I felt my heart and chest open and felt another surge of POWER course through me. I saw myself embody the warrior energy, strong and pure and unafraid. I trusted this power, because it was accompanied with a strong energy of compassion. I knew I would not misuse this gift. I had strengthened the compassionate energy within me to the point where I knew it would always balance any tendency to abuse my power. Now I was free to fully express my power in the world.
I have seen this blending of energies play out in my everyday life as a stronger feeling of confidence, as a willingness to take my work out into the world in a more active way without the accompanying fear and trepidation. There is now an excitement about giving what gifts I may possess instead of the anxiety that I may not do it right, or may not know enough, or somehow, I will make a fool of myself. Then, amazingly, new opportunities opened up for me to present my work and after meditating on the new possibilities, I sensed no resistance, just a resounding inner, “yes.” (more about this in my next blog)
Lazarus Blessing, by Jan Richardson
The secret
Of this blessing
Is that it is written
On the back
Of what binds you.
To read
This blessing,
You must take hold
Of the end
Of what
Confines you,
Must begin to tug
At the edge
Of what wraps
You round.
It may take long
And long
For its length
To fall away,
For the words
Of this blessing
To unwind
In folds
About your feet.
By then
You will no longer
Need them.
By then this blessing
Will have pressed itself
Into your waking flesh,
Will have passed
Into your bones,
Will have traveled
Every vein
Until it comes to rest
Inside the chambers
Of your heart
That beats to
The rhythm
Of benediction
And the cadence of release.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us……… Your playing small does not serve the world…..We are all meant to shine…….As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love.
My Gentle Musings 